Part 1: It is both too easy to remain in thrall to a few select movements or figures and too easy to look upon a rebellion against these figures as an acceptable substitute for originality. It is key to accept that the easiest route is not always the best but is always the easiest. The personal struggle that is so often seen as being inherent to art is invalid. Art is pointless and self-indulgent, there is no need to suffer or struggle to create art.
Part 2: Have no real skills, instead rely on knowing longer words than everyone else and approach everything with such a po-faced, inchoate seriousness that no-one has the heart to tell you (or anyone) that everything you (or anyone) has done has been pointless. Instead of attempting to improve on skills focus on a steady devolution- spouting long words about nothing will at least be more openly dishonest than spouting long words about something.
Part 3: The defining feature of work should be its mediocrity, work that is too obviously bad will no doubt be reinterpreted as being in some way ironic. Work that is too good will invariably seem crass and clichéd, we are too inured to seeing great works of art. The production of physical work should be substituted with vague illusions towards some kind of deep thinking. This deep contemplation is of course no more challenging or worthwhile than choosing which hot beverage to drink in whichever shop you’ve chosen to enter. People simply assume that this form of contemplation must be worthwhile as the majority of people do not indulge in it. Instead they should realise that most people do not engage in this form of thinking as it is pointless and proves nothing save for how intelligent you are (generally it proves that you are not as intelligent as you would like.)
Part 4: The ideal audience makes one feel incredibly talented and reasonably rich helping you feel better about yourself in the morning when faced by the crushing realisation that all you have accomplished in the past 24 hours is essentially futile. If you wish for a relatively unfettered response to work try showing it to children. On no account trust art critics, artists or journalist. As a more general rule don’t trust anyone.
Part 5:Aspire to have work shown in the most prestigious art galleries worldwide, this is the best way to acquire a high enough status for everyone to accept that you must be an artist and stop questioning what you do.
Part 6:Hope to earn your living by selling art at artificially inflated prices in order to make various rich people feel more cultured, if this doesn’t work out consider alternative, equally as improbable ways of living. For example I would be happy to win the lottery or open a small artisan bakery on the north coast of France. I personally feel that a freshly made croissant, eaten somewhere in Normandy is more valid as a work of art than most of the stuff churned out by Antony Gormley and certainly far more satisfying than trying to figure out whether or not Jeff Koons is being serious.
Part 7:Working within an advertising agency or public relations firm would give you the best chance of succeeding as an artist. As most people are not artistic genii the kind of hyperbole and spin perpetrated by such firms would probably be of greater value than trying to get work experience with someone who makes a living through actually being talented.
Part 8: Writing this did not inspire me or clarify my thoughts. It made me angry and petulant. If it’s had the same effect on you try having a nice cup of tea and a sit down.
Part 9: Art is nothing more than a belief in art.